So I know I've said before that I've known what I do wrong and how to fix it, but as of right now I REALLY have reason to say that I know what I'm talking about and I'm determined to be what I need to be.

-Give what's needed

-No types/forms of bullshit get you anywhere. Don't sugarcoat it. If it needs to be said then SAY it.

-Sometimes what is wanted would be nice to have. So do what you have to do.

-Part of being grown is handling YOUR business. So go ahead and handle it.

-Of course you never lie/cheat/steal. But you also do NOTHING to make it look like you do.

-Open yourself up to them. If you're grown then you shouldn't have to worry about being hurt.

-Lastly, make it happy. Those things that make you happy initially will continue to make you happy. They may manifest themselves in different ways, but they will definitely still be there.

Trust in yourself and the other person. If you are established then there should be no problem sharing anything, or trusting that person to do what's right... ESPECIALLY if you have your guidelines straight.

-amor

Can't help It

No matter what I do... I can't seem to get things to go right.

I think I might have a handle once the smoke clears though.

I had a recent conversation with someone. I don't know him all that well, but I thank him for reaching out. He thinks I'm a really good dude and he gave me some advice that I won't live without.

As for now though...

I just want to dissappear...

Seeing Eye...

Everyone has heard the stories about Jay-Z and his apparent connection to some type of occult society. Thing is that this is definitely true and Jay and his associates have become more open about flaunting it as well as other people who have been under speculation.

This list includes Beyonce, Chris Brown, Rihanna, Diddy, Michael Jackson, Tupac, Prodigy(Mobb Deep), Rick Ross, Lil Wayne, Cam'ron, Jim Jones, Kanye West, Brittney Spears, Notorious B.I.G., Oprah, President Obama, George Bush, Bill Clinton, Frank Sinatra, 50 Cent, Busta Rhymes, LeBron James and so many more.

Some of these may come as a suprise, but there is usually evidence that would WOW the crowd. For instance, the different hand gestures such as i love you(sign language), A-okay, and the rocafella sign all have masonic value.

The I love you sign... (kinda like the wwf NWO wolfpack sign <masonic) was created by Hellen Keller who was a mason. This sign has come to be interpreted to mean 'I Love the Devil' to the masons.

The sign for A- okay which is made by creating a circle with the index finger and thumb and pointing the other three fingers up also has masonic/satanic value. If you take the three remaining fingers and add a circle to the bottom of them you come out with (666) which is the devil's code.

The Rocafella sign ( hands forming a diamond shape) is actually a triangle and is usually placed in front of one eye. This symbol is the all seeing eye which is also on the back of the $1 bill. This also suggests that some of our nation's presidents were freemasons.

All this stuff is pretty weird, but it definitely shines light on some things that were a little shaky before. The illuminati may have been responsible for the deaths of Michael Jackson, Tupac, and B.I.G. Watch the videos below and follow the link.

http://vigilantcitizen.com/?p=1948

Fairytales

I have always been a fan of Kanye West. I love all of his albums. 808s and heartbreaks was a little off track compared to what he had been doing before, but it was actually quite brilliant.

We all know Kanye is an asshole, but thats not what I like about him. His creativity in his music and fashion sense make me a fan. Recently he put a short film up on his blog site that was later removed, party because it was controversial and because of other reasons that were not disclosed. This film was directed by Spike Jonze who is an AMAZING director and works with a camera in a way that I admire alot. (And he's from the DMV.) He's directed things such as Jackass the Movie, Where the Wild Things Are, and countless music videos by artists such as the Beastie Boys, Sonic Youth, Notorious B.I.G., and Kanye West.

I think the combination of Jonze and West is pretty much brilliant. The film doesn't make too much sense at first and is something one has to actually think about to draw meaning from it. Its a great short, and Kanye also does a nice job of acting. I'll be waiting to hearthe reason Kanye pulled it from his blog site.

Mmm... food

I'm in my room right now hungry as all HELL.

I don't know what to eat. I want to go to the cafeteria but I don't feel like getting ready and then driving over there. I know there is no one to eat with right now. I just don't know what to do...

???

[edit] She made food and invited me over to eat it with her :-) [edit]

so I suck because...

I mess up more often than i know about.

I seem to mess up when I think I'm doing the best.

Working to change what you think of someone is hard to do, but it can be done.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Building trust in someone is hard, especially when you might have reason to not trust.

But when that reason is only a might, then building trust just requires you to be open.

If they mess up let them know.

If you mess up and don't know how, then just do better.

nothing...

The secretaries in the music office were out ALL day, so I couldn't find out how to get my sax fixed.

My brother and some friends were supposed to come down today. They bullshitted and then the weather got bad and now they're not coming.

I wanted to chill with ONE person today... even if it was just for an hour. I go to her house and she stays on the phone for an hour, and then a friends comes over to go to the gym so she kicks me out...

Nothing has gone my way...

Mediocre

It's that time a day, or night if you will.

The time that most people take to sleep...

The time that rids itself of the sun but brings the moon...

The time that brings forth a whole different set of feelings from the 'daytime'...

The time when most people are tired...

If you're still awake like me, this is the time of day for deeper reflection; more time to think about everything. This is usually time we spend in solitude for no particular reason at all other than its rude to be company at someone's house so late unless your circumstance allows for it or you can't help but be there.

This is the time of day where noises are brought to a lower level, and people listening to music pull out their headphones.

As I lay on my bed listening to music through my headphones, I;m thinking of one word in particular.

MEDIOCRITY

Now if you were to go to someone and tell them that you were MEDIOCRE would quickly try and change your mind, but in reality this rarely ever works. It's not always about what people think about YOU, but what you think of yourself.

I can't get away from the fact that I see myself is MEDIOCRE in areas all across the board.

I see my myself as MEDIOCRE in areas of creativity, musical talent, athleticism, academics, looks, self-esteem, self-expression. Some of these things I do better than others, but most of them I feel like I'm just floating around average.

I want to get better. I want to be a better student, a better musician, a better lover, a better ME.

They say that no one knows whats best for you but YOU, so when I find out how to make myself the best I can then I will surely act upon it.

~Maybe tomorrow. peace

I've been trying to find new music to listen to all afternoon. One thing I came across is this.

http://limelinx.com/files/238904c835be2277c7f8e5b10ec07c39

This is a track by J. Holiday called Brand New First thing he talks about is rappers trying to sing, and the song is done of a Drake beat. So WHO is he taking shots at? Truthfully... everything he says in the song is dead on, but I'm pretty sure he's gonna get FRIED because of what he said just because of who Drake is. he also takes shots at people who use autotune (T-Pain, Kanye, Diddy etc.) but this song is DEFINITELY directed at Drake

Mid-Day Listening

I've been trying to find new music to listen to all afternoon.

One thing I came across is this.
http://ping.fm/41ivL

This is a track by J. Holiday called Brand New

First thing he talks about is rappers trying to sing, and the song is done of a Drake beat. So WHO is he taking shots at?

Truthfully... everything he says in the song is dead on, but I'm pretty sure he's gonna get FRIED because of what he said just because of who Drake is. he also takes shots at people who use autotune (T-Pain, Kanye, Diddy etc.) but this song is DEFINITELY directed at Drake.

Its Getting Cold

So... Its getting cold outside now.

Today's high was like 58 degrees and I wore a sweater I haven't worn since like march.

This time of year brings back SO many nice memories. These memories always come up when I mix the feeling of the season with the music I listen to.

I love the fall

Random?? Completely...

I hate physical science 101

I need to take a shower

I'm hungry as always

My man Barack won a Nobel Peace Prize

Someone just sent me a txt.. It was my bud Jo

My girl is working on a entymology project... We were pinning down dead bugs

I'm broke and don't have much food

My backpack doesn't open much when I'm not in class

When I'm in class I watch youtube videos on my phone

I need to get some new clothes forreal. I feel like I'm not fresh AT ALL anymore.

I REALLY need to take a shower so I will update later :)

The Stupid Things

The song that describes what I'm going thru right now...

The Stupid Things - Robin Thicke

"All the stupid things I do have absolutely no reflection on how I feel about you..."

I feel like I'm bout to hurt BIG TIME this weekend.

She's goin "home" this weekend... Home meaning back to where her friend is going which just so happens to be where I live.

Only thing is that she said she's going to chill with this guy while she's there. A guy who she had a thing with not that far in the past and has been trying to get at her for a whole year. I'm definitely not that comfortable with it. Especially since it seems like she doesn't wanna really be around me like that anymore...

I'm scared... I would usually trust her with this kinda thing, but the way things have been going lately tell me I'd better watch it.

:-(

today

Today I saw her... unexpectedly.

She was ready to walk past me like she barely knew me...

And it hurt pretty bad.

Dream

I remembered a dream from last night.

A bunch of random stuff happened, but there was one main thing that stuck out.

SHE was in it, and I came back home and she was sleeping in my bed. I go to talk to her but she's acting just like she has been for the last few days.

I think this whole situation is taking a lil bit of a toll on me.

Its okay though, because if this is what I'm going to have to to then I will do it...

Hasta Luego

'Chopped'

I'm not gonna get chopped. Its just not gonna happen. I'm going to do what I need to do in order to NOT get chopped. She'll thank me in the end.

I heard this Jackson 5 song the other day called 'I Am Love' and its amazing.

Right now, I am listening to Maxwell's Unplugged album and it is PRETTY great.

I've also been listening to alot of jazz lately to help improve my playing. Alot of big band stuff. Paying attention to style really helps a jazz player improve BIG TIME.

I'm committed to do right, so do right I will. To the best of my ability

Tough

Its tough...

Tough to deal with sometimes. I know I have my flaws. I tend to have in my mind, subconsciously sometimes, that if I don't see something as a problem than its not one. That's only SOMETIMES, but it has happened before.

Something else is tough. I know way more about this girl than she thinks I do. I know how she somehow hates me. And how whenever she says she's mad and then says its cool, she really just bottles up all that anger. How she's thought about doing things to damage our relationship, and how she just won't talk to me because she's selfish sometimes.

But, if I call her out on it, she'll never admit to it. Even though I have hard evidence of all these things. We can clear things up. She just needs to listen to me.

Red Hot

I don't get mad often.

When I do get mad no one really sees it.

So the one day I blow up about all the bullshit that's been going on lately, someone will be hurt.

Yeah... I Gotta Go Pee

So... I have to pee pretty bad, and its almost time to go to class.

My musical selection for the moment includes Adele, James Morrison, this one song (I Am Love) by the Jackson 5 and alot of old jazz (Coltrane, Brubeck, Stan Getz etc... )

As for my last post, I don't understand and don't think I will for a very long time.

She was mad at me yesterday because I told her there were strippers at the bday party for my cousin over the weekend. If possible, I would leave the room, but if not I was sitting in a chair playing uno on my phone because I genuinely was no interested. But I guess I'm guilty by association... I was in the room so I MUST have done something bad... something that would make her not want me to touch her at all... something that made her kick me out her house this morning... which never happens. Always hiding thigns from me, and always lying to me and telling me things are okay. When this blown up and she finds out im completely innocent of whatever im being accused of, someone might feel pretty bad about themselves.

I need to study more... my chemistry grade is SHIT and I know it. If I just read the text in my Jazz Theory class and do my projects in Video Field Production I'll end up with good grades. Lets see how it goes then.

Off to my jazz theory class now. Just more time for me to dwell on life...

Later...